It's Been Awhile.

I know it has been a while (months) since I've written anything in this space, but I've felt the pull to (theoretically) scribble my thoughts out for a couple of weeks and, gosh darnit, 140 characters just won't do sometimes.

Since the last time I posted, I've decided to move to California to pursue my career in the music industry, reneged on that decision, quickly moved out of my apartment and back up to Land O' Lakes, quit the music business altogether, and taken a job at the University of South Florida.

I can't say whether any of those decisions are for the better or worse, as I feel like I've existed as a ghost of myself for several months. I've seen myself go through all of these changes, but they haven't felt personal. It's as if I've been watching myself undergo a prolonged operation from the observation deck .

My separation from the music industry has been somewhat easier than I'd anticipated, but I have had a few "what the hell am I doing?" moments from time to time. Any time I listen to some of my more personal former clients, I get that itch to jump right back in. From an outside perspective, I'm sure it appeared I was doing well. I had a stable of artists that could hold their own and who sold a lot of records. I had artists who could legitimately headline from coast to coast. Most importantly, I had artists I truly loved, enjoyed, and believed in. The prevailing problem, however, was that I didn't believe in myself as an agent. At least not as an agent that could survive with the big boys. Hence my undecision re moving to Los Angeles.

I did find a job that I think I enjoy with one of USF's research groups and I'm going back to class (again) in January. A 26-year-old junior. Perpetual - or intermittent - student. I don't even know what I'm going to study when I get back in class. I've changed my mind so many times that I think I may have run out of options, even at a school as large (45k students) as USF.

As much as it pains me to say, I am still not over Whitney. More than a year after I broke HER heart, I still miss her. A lot. I have only been this affected once before - when things fell apart with Bonnie - and I don't really see it coming to an end anytime soon. I dated Rebecca after Whitney and I split up, but I never got nearly as deep, emotionally, with her as I did with Whitney. It seems silly to now look back on the reason we broke up at all - distance. If she called, texted, IM'd, emailed, tweeted, pinged, telegrammed, carrier pigeoned, or skywrote "move to Baltimore tonight",I would be on a plane in two hours. I'd have Ravens tickets for week 8 (they're on the road next week and off the following week) and be looking at ticket plans for my secretly-beloved Baltimore Orioles next spring. The Emerald City would become my home and I wouldn't give it a second thought. I'd even change my Facebook network.

I don't know if it's a common affliction, but it's something that happens to me constantly, and that is not truly appreciating what I have in a relationship until it's gone. I have maybe three real regrets from my sordid dating past and a piece of each still haunts me. A combination of having too much going on in my brain and an unhealthy amount of sentimentality, I guess. The difference with Whitney is that I haven't gotten to that point where I can honestly say to myself, "no, that really wouldn't have worked out." I can say that about Bonnie. I can say that about Christina. I can really say that about Christina.

I kinda felt like John Cusack in "High Fidelity" right there. Number One in the list of Top Five Worst Breakups...

/triumphant return.